Long-awaited iRan launched at W-World convention

“We’re going to make some history here today,” said George W. Bush this week at the beginning of his annual speech at W-world in front of an expectant crowd gathered in keen expectation of the launch of a new product.

“Every once in a while a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything,” he said, to scattered bursts of applause and excited whoops, “and W-Corporation has introduced a few of these. In 2002 we launched the iRaq. And it didn’t just change the way the way the world looks at the U.S., it changed the United States itself.”

“Well today, we’re introducing three revolutionary products. The first one is a new war on terror. The second is a revolutionary attempt to spread democracy in the middle east. And the third is the breakthrough toppling of a dictator. So, three things … but one product. A war on terror; spreading democracy in the middle east; topping a dictator,” he repeated, to a rapturous reception.

“Are you getting it?” he asked rhetorically. And there was no doubt that they did, judging by the the crowd’s response. “These are not three products. This is one product. And we are calling it … iRan.”

The launch, to many spectators, was long overdue. Although the iRaq was at first ecstatically welcomed by consumers its appeal has in recent years begun to wane. Critics had repeatedly pointed out that the product lacked the W.M.D. features that had long been promised by W-Corporation’s marketing department, and the I.E.D. interface — prone to malfunctioning — was increasingly seen as a liability. W-Corp.’s stock, which had soared after the iRaq’s launch, had plummeted. The company was losing market share. “W” seemed to have no way forward.

But faithful followers of W-Corp. — more a cult than a company in the eyes of many — had long rumored that a new product was in the offing. And here it is.

But can the iRan succeed in recouping W-Corp.’s lost market share and boost its stock value?

Bush himself was buoyantly optimistic. The new product will have the W.M.D. features that the iRaq lacked, he claimed, and W’s CEO promised that the launch would be a cakewalk: “When we launch this baby they’ll be greeting our sales team with flowers all the way to Tehran. They’ll go nucular.”

But despite the enthusiasm that was evident among the faithful at W-World, reaction in the wider industry was mixed. On the one hand many rival firms entertained serious doubts that the iRan would be the breakthrough product that W had predicted. “W’s sales team has its hands full and is struggling to expand its marketing of the iRaq — I just don’t see how they can take on a new product at this stage,” said one senior officer from Dem-Corp. “Sure, they have that whole W.M.D. promise, but so far that’s never turned out to be more than vaporware,” said another.

But on the other hand support came from an unlikely corner. “Although we’re technically rivals,” said Qaeda CEO bin Laden, “we’ve historically found that W-Corp. does a great job of opening up markets for our activities. Before W launched the iRaq we’d never seriously considered launching products in that market sector. Now we have a firm foothold and we’re excited about the possibility of expanding our activities.”

On balance, W’s optimism — and that of the W-World faithful — seems ill-founded. Although the notoriously upbeat CEO is bullish in the face of consumer resistance and industry skepticism, both the iRaq and the iRan face an uphill struggle. In the background prominent CEOs from other firms are preparing bids for a hostile takeover of W-Corp, and reshuffles of W-Corp’s board have failed to inspire confidence. And although the infighting amongst rivals for the position of CEO of W-Corp. may for a while distract attention from low levels of consumer satisfaction for W’s products, many industry insiders believe that even the iRaq has outlived its usefulness and needs to be pulled from the market.

“W” himself is undaunted. “I still believe in the iRaq,” he said, “and I believe the iRan is going to be an even more exciting product.”

One Response to “Long-awaited iRan launched at W-World convention”

1. SKWood1234 says:

   February 18, 2007 at 12:52 pm

   Nicely done!
   Can we buy product promotional t-shirts and paraphenalia? The after-market for this kind of product innovation is HUGE!!