Relative choices
The New York Times has been running an fascinating series of first-person accounts of adoption from the point of view of adoptive parents and adopted children (so far nothing from people who have put their children up for adoption). The series is called “Relative Choices.” This is of great interest to me because my one-year-old daughter, Maia, is adopted from Ethiopia.
Adam Wolfington writes about being a black child in a white family. He writes with a sense of vulnerability and describes the confused questions (“How come that white lady’s your mother?”) and taunting he has received from other children, and describes also his doubts about his own self-worth. He was given up for adoption by his (I assume) American mother before he has even born, and yet he still wonders if she rejected him because there was something wrong with him. His mother sounds wonderfully supportive and reassuring, however. I admit to nervousness about the possibility of my child encountering teasing and racism.
Hollee McGinnis was adopted from Korea and writes about how she came to accept that she was both Korean and American after many years of struggling to decide which was her “true” identity. How real a sense of being Ethiopian can we instill in Maia? She’s been adopted into a Scottish-Italian-American family but is Ethiopian by birth. That’s a lot of identities to play with! “Hi, I’m Scottish-Italian-African-American”?
Tama Janowitz writes about being questioned in the street (it’s really amazing how free people feel to ask personal questions when you’re with a child of a different race), but mainly about the resentment her daughter has for her. Tama, however, considers resentment to be a normal part of a parent-child relationship and not the product necessarily of the adoption. The adoption, in her view, is just the thing that the resentment fixes on to. I find myself wondering if Maia will resent having been taken from Ethiopia?
Sumeia (beautiful name!) Williams was lied to by her American father, who first claimed that he’d found her in an orphanage and decided to bring her home, then said he was her biological father (by way of a bigamous marriage in Vietnam), and then reverted once more to the orphanage story. He sounds like a real piece of work, and Sumeia still has no idea of what the truth is. At least we’re going to be completely honest with Maia about her story. We have as many photographs and as much information about her background as possible and hope to find out more. No one should have to face that kind of uncertainty.
Dr. Jane Aronson wrote a story that disturbed me. She was given a video of Ethiopian children who were offering themselves up for adoption. I found it rather disgusting that children should be put in that position and that a westerner would in effect do some “tele-shopping” for a child. The Ethiopian government doesn’t allow children in orphanages to have their photographs or video used in this way, and my own adoption agency was very clear about the need to keep images of children waiting to be adopted private. After reading that part of Aronson’s story I confess I couldn’t bring myself to read the rest. I hope it had a happy ending.
Huong Sutliff wrote at the age of 13 or being adopted at age 6, and conveys the anxiety, hope, and relief of a child of that age as she meets her adoptive parents for the first time.
Katy Robinson was adopted from Korea and grew up in a Salt Lake City family where there was a sense it was disloyal for her to have an interest in her Korean roots. She describes this attitude as being her own, but it’s obvious that the was but an internalized version of her adoptive family’s repression (Salt Lake City? Repression? Who knew?). After 20 years she decided she had to find out more about her roots and began to quiz her adopted mother. Then armed only with her Korean name and the date of her adoption she headed to Korea where she found her father, with whom she’s still in touch. She also seems very appreciative of her adoptive mother, despite the family’s attempts to efface her personal history. I admire that Katy hasn’t ended up resentful of her mother.
I came close to tears reading Jeff Gammage‘s story of trying to trace the scant details of his Chinese daughter’s origins. While we know Maia’s birth-parents’ names and have met members of her family (even sat in the grass hut where she was born) Chinese baby girls are generally simply abandoned in public places. There’s therefore no family information, often not even a name. But Jeff discovered the name of the man who had found Zhao Gu in the street and made sure she was looked after, and managed, with the aid of a Chinese journalism student, to phone him. That’s not much in the way of background on your child — a conversation with the man who found her abandoned on the street — but if that’s all you have to go on then it’s incredibly important. That’s why I found my eyes welling with tears.
3 Responses to “Relative choices”
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You’re currently reading “Relative choices,” an entry on Bodhipaksa's blog, bodhi tree swaying
Published: Nov 17 2007
These stories are just heartwrenching and beautiful. I suppose it doesn’t really matter how a child comes to your family, you will try and look into the crystal ball to see what particular issues you will face with your child.
But, as someone wise told me (was it my parents?? no…), don’t worry, it will be something you never, ever could have dreamed up.
I think Maia is blessed beyond belief to have you two as parents. And right now, you are the moon and the stars. All that love will weather you through the challenges. (At least that’s what I tell myself…)
I wound up on this website after reading Huong Sutliff’s entry in the NY Times. I adopted my daughter from the same orphanage four days after 9/11. We do know who my daughter’s birth mother is (only by name). We have a hand written letter from birth mom and now thanks to our Vietnamese exchange student translating it into english for us. The feeling I get from the letter is that it feels like the things written have been suggested by perhaps a social worker. They must say certain things in order to put your child into the social center. We have hopes to meet her some day so my daughter can learn more about her history. Beautifully written pieces my wife and I both loved.
Thank you so much for writing a post on this. I have sent the like to a friend of mine who is dealing with adoption issues. I admire that you are looking at all of these adoption stories with an open mind and open eyes. It sounds like you are doing your best to anticipate the circumstances Maia will encounter. That is wonderful.